Earlier this week Fiona left a comment on my post about Ten Great Things About Being a Vicar’s Wife. She is looking for advice as her husband begins ministry later this year. Here’s what she asked:
It quite hard as I just would like to to my very best. I have two children and its a second marriage
I totally adore and love him and we all want to support him .
Perhaps if someone was in the same sistuation it would be a great help for ideas and suggestions.
I’m going to give my list of top ten tips below, but it would be great if others could add to the list too. I’m not claiming to speak with much authority, having only been a ‘proper’ Vicar’s Wife for just over a year, but this is what has helped me to date…
- Keep your own relationship with God going – you may have to be creative (on-line sermons, prayer partners, conferences, retreats, support groups).
- Prioritise your family above the parish. Keep on loving and supporting your husband.
- Say ‘no’ more than you think you should – you can’t do everything. Better to do a little in church well than everything badly. Or do nothing apart from being a godly wife and mother.
- Don’t throw yourself into everything when you first arrive – take time to choose the best. Try to do something together – we love having people over – Sunday lunches, barbeques barbecues, tea parties.
- Play to your strengths and don’t feel the need to conform to a stereotype of the perfect minister’s wife. So don’t bake if you can’t bear it, buy some nice biscuits. Avoid children if they stress you, visit kind old ladies. Don’t arrange the flowers, use your best hammer drill to put shelves up.
- Make sure (as far as possible) that your husband has support from accountability partners or a spiritual director. And help him to prioritise his day off. If you’re able, take that day off with him.
- If you live in a Vicarage or Manse, be ruthless with junk mail in the early days. Send it all back with ‘remove from mailing list’ on it or phone organisations up if you don’t want their stuff. Ecclesiastical junk mail has been the bane of my life in the last year and a bit. I mean, how many catalogues for chasubles does an evangelical minster need?! Especially one who wears robes about once a year. In the UK the Mailing Preference Service and Telephone Preference Service are your friends.
- Take time to laugh. We watch a lot of tv comedy. It helps.
- Don’t answer the phone every time it rings. Call screening and an answerphone are very helpful.
- Take proper holidays away from the parish. We have nearly three weeks in the summer (plus three other weeks the rest of the year) and find that we need that length of time to properly unwind.
What are others’ top tips? What have you learnt about doing your best?
The Vicar's Wife 
a fab list – thanks for posting…
mark
Not a vicars wife but those tips are good generally xx
I’ve never been a vicar’s wife; but I have been a missionary’s husband for 25 years and I recognise most of the above as being useful though junk mail wasn’t a problem in the African bush (there were times I’d have killed for something new to read – even a chasuble catalogue!).
I would add:
Learn to recognise the symptoms which show you are getting stressed. That way you can do something about it before you hit the bottom.
Your kids will grow up distressingly quickly, even if it doesn’t seem like that now. Prioritise your time with them while you can and don’t feel bad about it. There will be plenty of church stuff you can do when they are off your hands.
You are accountable to your Lord, not to the people you (or your husband) are serving. You must not allow people to make you feel guilty about the choices you make if they are made in good conscience. It takes discipline, prayer and sheer bloody-mindedness sometimes to get to that point.
As a vicar’s daughter and curate’s wife I agree with all the above tips and it is nice to be reminded.
A couple more:
Remember your partners first vocation is as a husband/father or wife/mother and even if they occasionally appear to forget remind them of it frequently! 🙂
Keep some clergy spouse friends close to whom you may/may not want to confide.
Don’t neglect your marriage – try to push in time for one another in the midst of small children and parish responsibilities and jobs outside the home. Claim him/her in church, a loving glance, a hand on the shoulder, a little peck of a kiss at the sign of peace all go far to reassure you and anyone who is noticing that you and he are one! This helps ward off anyone who has a ‘crush’ on your spouse too.
Lastly, allow the answerphone to take messages as much as possible and then you don’t have to deal with the responsibility – already a source of great angst in our house!
Sorry to waffle, hope some of this is useful!
I am sure this is all very excellent advice.
There is, however, no q in barbecue. 😉
Hello all – thanks for the comments, especially Mark and Eddie who I don’t think have commented before.
Ros – I’m very sorry for the Aussie/Americanism and have deleted it. Horrors!
As a someone about to go to Vicar factory to train thanks for these points- I’m sure my husband will agree!!!!
We’re not a clergy family, but friends if ours are. They have separate phone line for the family and for work, each with their own answer machine.
Apart from the obvious benefit of being able to phone friends during what the parish considers working hours, it also makes claiming expenses easier :-).
THanks for this. As an ordinand in waiting (going off to Vicar Factory this Sept), this looks like good advice I will need to remember.
RamblingPanda is spot on. Any clergy family without two phone lines is frankly insane.
We have 2 lines going into the house and its great. If my husband is out all day I do check his work line from time to time incase anything very important has come in but for the rest of the time I do not answer it and become an message service! I’m pleased we decided on the 2 lines.
The point about the phone was the one that struck me most. What we find strange round here is that people will either just keep ringing and not leave messages, or else leave a message and then keep ringing to check that we’ve got the message… which isn’t good on a day off if we are trying to potter round the house. So I do sometimes answer the phone on days off if it keeps ringing, and take the message, politely saying that they won’t get a call back today, just to stop that happening. The other day someone rang and left a message and then came round to check we had got it!
We haven’t got two phones (we keep losing the handsets of the one line we have – never mind the mobiles – so that would be a disaster). But we do have caller display so we can see who’s calling (which also means we can ignore family members if we choose to!) And we’ve recently discovered that we can set different ring tones for numbers we have saved in the phone memory, so we can tell instantly if it’s one of the children (or one of us!) calling in. I don’t recollect the phone cost too much, so I would recommend that as a cheaper and easier option than two lines.
I think I would add another couple to the list (I don’t think I would want to take any off!):
– Find a bolt hole that you can use occasionally. At times we have used family for that, although now we have our own place (the retirement home!) which we let out as a holiday cottage, but we can escape to off-peak. Unfortunately thanks to a combination of children’s activities, a weekday day off and distance it doesn’t work too well right now, but in the last parish we would occasionally go up there on Friday straight after school, and spend the day off there and return home Saturday evening feeling like we had been on a little holiday. There is something special about waking up somewhere else, where the phone and the doorbell won’t ring, you can’t see the to-do list and most importantly the vicar won’t feel spiritually responsible for the people he sees on the street.
– Book fictitious evening meetings occasionally, which are just to give you a chance to catch up with each other. Talking about church is permissible because it’s not a day off, but it’s so much better over a bottle of wine. Thanks to a lack of free evenings, and growing children who don’t go to bed early, we have recently started having daytime meetings with each other sometimes! Yes we talk about church things but for us that has worked out well, as an opportunity to bounce ideas around, catch up on what’s going on and support each other (although it’s not so good without the wine!).
Sorry, that was a bit of an essay…
Hello everyone, and welcome to newcomers Janet, RamblingPanda and LankyAnglican.
Phones do need to be managed well. We have two lines, but one is mainly for outgoing calls (cheap BT broadband line). So we call screen and use the answerphone on the main line. I quite like answering the phone for the Vicar, as I’m able to deal with a few of the more mundane things for him (he pays me for some secretarial hours). But it depends on how big/demanding the parish is, and how much you like chatting!
We’re not as disciplined as we should be about booking date nights in, but we know it’s a good idea! I like date lunches myself – the advantage of not working outside the home just now.
Remind your partner that the computer is not a life-support system: s/he will not die or contract a terminal disease if it it switched off.
I’m wondering what the differences in top tips (and top hazards) for the SSM (unpaid, unhoused) vicar’s wife might be. Are there differences in expectations – and if so, more or less hazardous?
(I’m hoping that the Rev sitcom might spawn an SSM-themed show, Rev Unplugged)
Welcome Curious and Jeremy.
You are so right about the computer Curious… and it works both ways, as the Vicar (the one who lives with me) can tell you. I’m not sure about SSM tips Jeremy as I don’t really know anyone in that sort of ministry well enough. Anyone out there able to comment?
Does it get better , I feel like I ve lost my husband he is so engrossed in parish life I feel like a stranger living in someone elses house. (only a few weeks in but I m feeling lost)
[…] How to Cope as a Vicar’s Wife – the Top Ten Tips […]
I’m about to head off to vicar factory as a singleton, so you’d think most of this wasn’t relevant to me, but actually much of the list is not only equally as relevant to single vicars as almost more important, along the lines of who’s going to screen my calls and throw out the junk mail?! I reckon I can train my cat to do both those, but he’s not so good at keeping up on the red wine drinking with me… 🙂 Which, by way of afterthought, makes me think that I’ll probably be schizophrenically good at being someone that someone like Siobhan may/may not confide in, which pleases me as I found last night’s Rev a scary reminder of how lonely my future life might be!
Glad I stumbled over your blog. Thanks for making me laugh 😀
I work in IT so I have a rule – no computers get switched on on Sundays unless it is to help somebody else… might be helpful here. Nice blog dude!
mt
What about Vicar’s husbands ? – any top tips for my husband, beyond all the good stuff already mentioned?
As the wife of a non-Anglican minister, I have to agree with all the things above, and add don’t let people use you as a conduit to the minister, little comments about services and things they like and don’t like in the hope they get passed on are NOT your department.
Also ignore the disapproving looks when your children don’t behave as perfect angels, and complain they don’t want to be there (unless yours are always perfect!). For some reason people always think that along with the minister being perfect their spouses and children should be as well.
Thank you for your tips. I am married to a Baptist Minister and we have been in ministry for 15 years.
My tip would be to only get involved in those things that you are passionate about. I am a Street Pastor, Secondary School Governor and part of the Committee for the local Christian Schools work. In the church, I help with youth club, sunday school and a club for little girls. I love it all and am having the time of my life.
We have two delightful children who are just as involved in church life as we are. They are grasping the concept ofserving others which makes us very proud.
On a national level I’m involved in a group called Connexion which is for supporting those married to Baptist Ministers. check it out at http://www.baptistconnexion.org.uk
God bless you in your ongoing work for him.
Gosh, hello everyone, and welcome to the Vicarage. I’ve been away this week on a Pathfinder camp, so haven’t been online. (I had a lovely time, thanks, and so I think did our kids and the 65 teenagers we had with us).
Sue, I’m so sorry to hear that your hubbie is so engrossed so early on. I often think that clergy wives think far deeper about relationships and priorities than their husbands. Do try to talk to him about priorities. Letting parish life take up all your time and energy is not a good pattern for long term ministry. Going the Distance by Peter Brain (from http://www.thegoodbook.co.uk) might be a good book to start with, but there are heaps of others. I’ll pray that you find a way to get the rhythm of parish life right together.
Kate – I can’t imagine how single vicars cope – there is so much expected of clergy, so I guess you have to make sure that your support structures are doubly sound. And keep your levels of expectation low – just cos you could do everything, doesn’t mean you have to, so prioritise gospel issues and don’t worry about the reams of paperwork sent by the local council encouraging you to do their work for them. My hubbie needs an administrator even with my post opening and call screening. Try and get one asap would be my top tip. Just somebody to write ‘return to sender’ on the junk mail would be a help.
Thanks for the tips, Martin, Anna and Christina. Beth, I’m not very qualified to advise vicar’s husbands but I guess his main role is to love you as Christ loved the church and see how that works in your parish 😉
I thought I’d add the tip about two phone lines – but was beaten to it! an added benefit is that the study phone is ‘unhearable’ in the rest of the house when doors are shut – marvellous for the day off.
All the advice here is good. I’d like to add – lunches out on the day off (if spousal work permits) are very healthy – we find we talk much better somewhere else. And going back to bed on the D.O. when the children have gone to school is even healthier!
One important rule for us is that I am emphatically NOT the vicar – anything said to him is not repeated to me. This soon gets understood (mainly because of all the things I actually needed to know and wasn’t told!) and it’s very good for underlining the importance of confidentiality. Congregations need to know that their Vicar is watertight, and I don’t need to – and should not – know other people’s private stuff. It can be very hard when your spouse is preoccupied or upset by things that have happened or been confided to him/her – having a very clear understanding about this from the start can help you to avoid any feelings of being ‘left out’.
What does help is being involved in the church life oneself – I can’t imagine not being – it can have its drawbacks if people have assumptions about your role – but nothing smashes preconceptions like establishing your own role, whether it’s as a doer of jobs or a faithful worshipper.
Sue – does your husband take his time off properly? It’s very important that he does, for both of you. I do sympathise, and you’re in my prayers.
PS – 15 years married to a vicar, and I still enjoy it – and him!
[…] how not to be/when not to be/with whom not to be the vicar (also partly prompted by the good blog Vicar’s Wife as well as the most excellent Rev) is making me wonder how my identity will be affected as I pick […]
I too am facing the daunting task of becoming a vicars wife and am petrified at the prospect, I would love to talk to someone who has not been a regular churchgoer facing this prospect to share thoughts and feelings
Welcome Vicarette! I do hope that this blog gives you a flavour of life in a Vicarage, although they are all very diffferent. I’m sure many of them are a lot tidier, for starters…
The good thing is that all vicars go through training before they are launched on an unsuspecting church (if it’s the Church of England that we’re talking about). During that time there should be good opportunities for you to work out what life will look like for you once you’re in parish. What stage are you at in the process?
I am also facing the daunting prospect of becoming a vicars wife and it petrifies me. I struggle to get my head around what life will be like. Thoughts and feelings from current vicars wives and soon to be vicars wives would be greatly appreciated please!
Hiya Kate and welcome to the Vicarage. Do have a read around and see what my experience of being a vicar’s wife has been. What stage of the journey are you on?
Kate and Vicarette – I have just made it to the end of a long journey through husband training to be an Anglican priest. I was a very reluctant curate’s wife and blogged as such. Everyone told me that it was so wonderful to have a husband who was to be ordained – I just wanted my life back! Does it get better? I have certainly changed but there are days when I still wonder what life would have been like if my husband had not been ‘called’ – I have just been ‘pulled’ along behind – sometimes screaming and shouting! I am still blogging – third phase as we go up the rectory path ( starting as a rector’s wife instead of a vicar’s wife was a surprise). I certainly needed support and couldn’t find it except through blogging and reading blogs like this one. I have had some wonderful support from people I haven’t met and I expect I will still need support. I did ask here if there was a national support network for clergy spouses – because I didn’t have local support ( I guess I was too embarressed to admit I was not thrilled with the direction life (God) was taking me and concerned it might impact on Husband’s journey) And I am very surprised how I have been equipped and changed (very gently) to deal with our new life – most unexpected!!!!
i am in exactly the same boat as yourself. im not a regular churchgoer,we have 2 young children. by the time my husband is ordained, both my children will be in full time school. i dont know what my place will be, do i work to help my husband run the parish as he’s not very efficient with paperwork or do i go and do my own thing, would love to run a pub (but hubby doesnt think its a good idea, being a vicars wife running a pub).
I feel your pain, it’s such a dilemma. I am honouring my vows to my husband and trying to be as supportive as I can whilst forging a career for myself as my children are now in school full time but it is putting a strain on family life. The closer he gets to the church the farther I feel from it but some of this is simply stubbornness as I dislike being told what to do, I was raised to be independent. I hope as we make our journey we remain strong and solid as a couple but I will partake in churchy duties as I wish and will not be forced into them. I hope you are able to remain true to yourself and enjoy life as marriage is a partnership. Stay in touch as we are on the same journey. I wish I could trust in God to make things okay but I don’t like feeling I have no control 😦 Take care & stay in touch xx
My Hubby is beginning the Bishops certificate so we have a way to go! Our children are only 5 & 3 but we regularly attend the family services and Messy Church events and I also volunteer at a family support centre where some of the churchgoers and I have become friends and aquaintences. I didn’t read the date of Fiona’s post, just put ‘how to be a vicars wife’ into Google. I guess I feel the need to speak with someone who has undergone the transition already to see if I can cope with it. I am a people person who help others willingly but I also enjoy my solitude and already the children and I, due to their fathers’ profession, have to miss out or rearrange special occasion. This year, for example, we had out family Christmas on Boxing Day. Am I worrying over nothing?
Hi Vicarette. The key thing to work on is your relationship with God and trusting Him. It’s good to hold onto the truth that He is always working for our good (Romans 8v28). If your husband does start working full time for a church, your life might look a bit different, but there is no single model of how to do things. We find it a wonderful way to live as a family.
Thanks Harriet, it is reassuring to hear others out there similarly have doubts about a future as a vicar’s wife. I am naturally an anxious person and can seem resistant to change so a lifestyle so different to what I grew up knowing is scary for me. How long have you been in this for? My relationship with my boyfriend is due to take the final step to marriage, but my anxieties seem to want to iron out every possible issue out before we face it – impossible I know! I think a big thing for me is not trusting completely in God.
Try not to iron out the issues – you can’t – God will ( I can’t believe i write like this now !) I can only tell you that in my experience – I have been equipped to cope – if only I would stop wanting something else! Do read back through my blogs and you will see some of my struggles amongst the other stuff. Get married and enjoy life together – Some vicar’s wives are actually normal people!!!!
I think that is my issue, my relationship with God isn’t particularly strong and I feel this is the core of my doubts over becoming a vicars wife. This weekend my father, a fit and healthy clean living gent of only 65, has been diagnosed with the blood cancer Myeloma and it is terminal. This is not strengthening my relationship with God but testing it. How can I be a vicars wife with no faith?
What a difficult time for you. It might be crass of me to say – but God will walk beside you through all of these times. One of my most repeated prayers was:- ‘Help me in my unbelief’. Trust is a difficult thing to do. Quite often I don’t pray in words – I just find an empty space in this very busy world and I stop – stop trying to work things out myself, stop thinking and just hand everything over to God. Try it! X
It is really helpful to read how you have all coped with life in ministry. My husband has recently gone back to parish ministry and is Rector of five churches. It has been a steep learning curve! Learning to live in a goldfish bowl has been…interesting. My hubby has been great at boundaries and making sure he doesn’t work 24/7 which is such an easy thing to do. All in all, so far so good.
My future husband is going back to the ministry soon and I’ve never been a vicars wife so its been really useful to read the insights from you all as I’m a little nervous and don’t want to let him down. thank you.