I only wear my pinny for special occasions
Inspired by Steve Tilley’s list of reasons to be married to a priest I thought I’d add a Vicar’s wife’s perspective. We’ve not watched the offending episode of Rev yet – we were interrupted before viewing on iPlayer by the Vicar’s diocesan golf team partner arriving to stay over so that he and the Vicar could get an early start off to their tournament today.
Anyway, I love being a Vicar’s wife, and here are some of the reasons why:
- I have a husband who is serious about loving me as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5v25).
- We get to work as a team in all sorts of ways (hospitality, church strategy, cleaning the churchyard…)
- My husband is around to take kids to and from school, take them swimming and eat with the family most nights.
- He’s involved with the kids’ primary school and knows their teachers better than I do.
- I love it that he has lunch with me most days.
- He has to chop logs outside my kitchen window to get the fuel we need to heat our Vicarage. This is a very good view when I am washing up.
- He reads parenting books and works hard to help our children to grow up as believers and not to be wild and disobedient.
- His job comes with a huge home which is great for hospitality, even if it is a deep freeze come January.
- Parish life is never, ever dull.
- And finally, as I was told in a seminar on a Vicar’s wives conference once: ‘The advantages of midweek daytime sex cannot be overstated’.
The Vicar's Wife 
What a fabulous post…and as a vicar’s wife AND vicar (in a clergy couple currently ‘taking turns’) …. I completely agree (though my view out the window is rather different to yours!). It’s not always easy but I wouldn’t change what we have for anything… apart from the odd day when I wish it was his turn to be the vicar again.
I’m enjoying Rev as there is some cutting truth about the realities but in with it there are exaagerations, stereotypes etc I’m looking forward to seeing how it develops as it goes on anyway!
Absolutely! Being ‘The Vicar’s Wife’ is a huge privilege, and the blessings far outweigh the challenges that accompany the role, I believe. Thanks for making me smile and encouraging me to perservere on a day when I’m feeling somewhat overwhelmed by Vicar’s Wife duties.
PS. Have you seen which advert Google is using beneath your post today?!
You might try using Firefox for internet browsing and installing AdBlock Plus which will hide all Google ads and anything else that you’d prefer not to see.
Hello Knitting Vicar and Mrs Vicar. Lovely to see both you here. I’ve been told that the ad is rather unsuitable, but I don’t see it as I’m logged in. So apologies. If you mention provocative subjects it seems that the advertisers get the wrong end of the stick!
I liked your post. Although I do sometimes refer to myself as Mrs V, I’m definitely Penny in the parish, and it’s definitely NOT a shared ministry – my husband is the vicar, not me.
I’m very involved in the parish life, because I want to be, and because I couldn’t imagine any other way of living – married to the vicar or not. I should, perhaps, admit that I declared my intention of marrying a vicar at age 9!
I think the best bit is arriving in a place where lots of people already know your name, can’t wait for you to move in (after the interregnum), are wanting to make friends, and are already praying for you. What can top that?
P
Hi Penny. I agree- it’s wonderful to arrive somewhere where you are wanted and prayed over. The challenge I guess is to stay that way!
10. WAY too much information!!!!
Sorry Ros! But given your blog title… 😉
This is hilarious! Can I link to this on my blog and see if my pastor’s/ minister’s wife (what we call vicars here) friends agree?
Hi Julie. Of course! Would love to have some international comments too 🙂
What a great list!
I went on a clergy spouses’ conference (yes there were a few brave men there) a few years ago where one of the sessions focussed on the positive side of being a clergy spouse, when we were all feeling exhausted and tired. My favourite comment from one VW was that you always live in a house with a downstairs loo. Particularly useful when potty training, although thankfully those days are long gone for me. I’d put that in my top 10!!
We don’t have downstairs loo. just two next door to each other upstairs! how silly!
Two loos next door to each other must make for some interesting conversation!
What we’d give for a downstairs loo (and some of the other items on that list), but it’s probably not the right motive for a change of direction.
[…] Ten Great Things About Being a Vicar’s Wife […]
If the upstairs loos are at the end of the corridor do you treck to the two loos?
[…] 15, 2010 by Julie I came across this funny/ interesting post last week over at […]
LOL… Love it! Three of my uncles are ministers….
#10 made me laugh…
I think my surgeon husband has ‘a call’ 😉
Hi I have been reading you site for a while now as I am going to become a minister wife in October. Is there an e- mail address that I can used to talk to someone about support and help to the many many questions that I have. I would be very grateful for any help that is available to me.
With many Thanks
Fiona
Hi Fiona. Welcome to the Vicarage.
If your questions aren’t too personal, perhaps you could post them here, and I could post a reply so that others could contribute their wisdom as well. I could add it to the Vicar’s wife job description series 🙂
Hi
It quite hard as I just would like to to my very best. I have two children and its a second marriage
I totally adore and love him and we all want to support him .
Perhaps if someone was in the same sistuation it would be a great help for ideas and suggestions.
Many thanks
Hi,
I need some advice, I am 21, so is my boyfriend (or soon to be husband) …he wants to become a vicar but I am not a Christian, I’ve tried and I just really don’t believe it.
I love him with all my heart but is this a stressful role if we were to have children in years to come? Or will it be hard for me to have a career of my own?
I really don’t know who to contact with my concerns as I am doubting our future as I don’t know whether I can handle being a vicars wife as I am not 100% sure what it involves, and being so young!
I would really appreciate some advice or suggestions if anyone has got any.
Thanks.
Hi Amanda and welcome to the Vicarage. It’s great that your boyfriend is keen to go into the ministry, but I do think you would both find it enormously difficult if you’re not a believer. I’ve emailed you with a few more thoughts.
Hi, I really enjoy your blog, my boyfriend (or gentelman friend I should say) he is currently a curate and in the fullness of time will become a vicar. We have been courting now for 3 years and I am sure he is the man for me, we have been talking about the future, and the question of marriage came up, I would love dearly to marry him.
However I am atheist, this has never been an issue for us but I worry that as our relationship matures over the years this will become a problem for us. Also I am a nurse, I love my job, it is a large part of me, but I worry that I will not be able to compleat my duties within the parish while holding my job.
Have you any advice? Thank you, Kate
Hi Kate. Welcome to the Vicarage! I’m so glad that you enjoy the blog.
There are plenty of Vicar’s wives with jobs outside the home. In fact, a Vicar’s wife friend of mine is just completing her nursing training. There are no ‘duties’ for a Vicar’s wife – everyone does whatever suits their gifts, personality and situation. Nursing is a great profession because of the flexibility you can have when you have a family. There was an amazing minister’s wife whose kids were at the church school in our last parish. She worked nights as a nurse to support her husband in his ministry at a Pentecostal church. She was constantly tired but radiated the love of God in everything she did.
I do think that you and your chap need to have a long hard think about how you go forward in your relationship without you knowing God. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but why aren’t you a Christian? Knowing Jesus – his love, his forgiveness – is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes in all the struggles of parish ministry. I can’t imagine being here without trusting in the sovereignty of God.
Dr Helen Roseveare’s testimony reminds me of what God’s grace can do in a person’s life in the most difficult of circumstances – you can hear her here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00fkcs5
I pray that God will give both you and your friend great wisdom as you think things through together.
Hello, thanks for applying,
If I’m honest I don’t know why I’m not Christian, I was raised as an atheist, but over the years I suppose I have become more … Agnostic, working as a nurse I have come to see so many bad things come to good people, I’ve seen families torn apart, and personally I think that no God would let that happen!
I think that there must be something out there, it can’t just be us, but is it really a God? That’s not for me to say obviously. But that’s probably the reason why I’m not Christian.
It’s a discussion that my self and my man have had many times, about how I would feel as the wife of a vicar, the only real point on my side is that I do understand why he has his calling,and I understand why he feels the way he does. But I worry that understanding him and loving him just isn’t enough. I think that if he were just Christian, even a very devoted one, we would be OK, I just worry his vocation would break us apart in the years to come.
But obviously that’s not what I want – I’ve found a man who makes me deliriously happy, and who I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I don’t want to destroy him by having what I want.
Sorry for the rant, and thank you!
hi, we are in the same boat!
i also am a non believer and my boyfriend is a very strong christian and now wants to be a vicar. I am also really struggling with this as i dont want to leave him as we are great together and have been for almost 3 years.
I am not 100% sure why i am a non believer my family have never taken me to church and we have had a lot of illness in the family that makes me think there cant be a god or if there is why pick on us………….
Have you decided to stick by your partner?
My partner says i am christian in all the things i do but doesnt understand why his new intended vocation upsets me.
I need a bit of advise! i love him so much and cant imagine not being with him
cathryn
Hi Cathryn and welcome to the Vicarage. It’s almost a year since Kate posted, so I hope she sees your comment and is able to reply. How far is your boyfriend in the discernment process? It can take quite a while to go throught the process from ‘thinking I want to be a Vicar’ to actually being selected and heading for theological college.
hi, the vicar at the church he goes to has just put him forward.
I know it can take a few years for everything to be complete and i am trying to be understanding about this as I know how important it is to him.
Its all very new to me and I am finding it a little difficult.
I hope this wont tear us apart and am determiond to try and have more of an open mind regarding this
any advise would be greatly appreciated!
Hi Cathryn. Have you tried going to church with him? That might be a good start to understanding what he believes. It might be worth finding out if the church runs an Alpha or Christianity Explored course that you could do (or something similar) so you can ask your questions about God in a supportive setting.
The most confusing bit is i have no idea really why I am not a beleiver. Its somethng that has never come up in my family. I have been christened but apart from that and last sunday i have never been to church.
There is a lot of illness in the family, i have whats called Hydrocephalus which is water on the brain and have a permenant shunt to drain the fluid and my sister has had leukemia twice which i think may factor in my non belief as i cant see why something so wonderfukl would cause 1 family so much pain.
I would really like to see if i can beleive but not sutre how to go about it. If I dont and my partner is succesful in being a vicar then this will casue a great deal of problems………..
hi, i went to the church service on Mother’s Day and I will continue to go with him on Subdays to try and woprk this out as I am not against the idea of believing just finding it hard to beldeiev in something that i cant see. My partner says itslike having faith in him wghich i do but i cant see that either………..
I would really recommend a course like Alpha or Christianity Explored – I’m sure there’ll be one fairly local to you, even if it’s not at the church your friend attends. That would be a great place to ask any question you wanted answering. Or ask the vicar – I’m sure s/he’d be absolutely delighted to talk to you about the Lord Jesus and what he’s done for us.
thank you i will look into this
hi , can you help. my husband has over several years felt a “calling” to be a vicar and i do share his thoughts too. I have a millions worries. I am a christian and believe that i want to support him and open my home to hospitality, pastoral care etc However i worry how we would cope financially. we struggle now on a higher wage with 2 children and due to health i am only able to work part time with a basic pay. I know i shouldnt worry but is it possible.
Hi dotty and welcome to our Vicarage! It’s wonderful that you and your husband are considering a calling to full time paid ministry. It’s a very rewarding path. I can’t tell you that it’s a doddle financially, but in the Church of England it is certainly manageable. As well as the stipend (calculated as enough to live on) your housing (in a usually generously sized vicarage) is free (and no council tax or water rates). There are also grant making bodies that can help with costs of eg holidays or children’s school uniforms. We have many clergy friends in different financial (and working) circumstances so I know that it is certainly possible to live. Good family budgeting is helpful – such as that recommended by CAP, or similar monitoring. I hope you don’t let money worries hold you back – our God is generous!
Thank you thats really helpful and reassuring. Another worry is maybe having to move the children from schools. they dont cope too well with change age 9 and 11. going on the thoughts of training, then a curacy and finally a ,more permanent post, is it likely that we will have to move around so much?
Hi dotty. Moving schools is certainly a sacrifice that may have to be made. It is possible that your husband could train locally if you are located near a theological college, or even take a part time course if that would suit him better.
There are a few colleges which have a more flexible system – you don’t have to be residential, although we had a wonderful time at theological college (our kids were v small/born during our time at college). And it is possible to find an incumbency close to where you’d had a curacy, if your kids are settled in school. Again, God can overrule in all these situations, but it is a hard decision to have to make. I think your husband will be able to find out more from a DDO if he gets to that stage of the process.
Once you are a vicar or rector or whatever, there isn’t really any necessity to move. We’ve been here for 5 years so far and, God willing, plan to stay for many more.
thanks you. you are very reassuring .
Hello All.
I came across this page and thought to give it a read as a friend of mine is thinking of marrying a priest. I am not sure how it will work for them both as my friend (the girl) is a Muslim and her boyfriend is Christian and a priest. I don’t want them to get hurt in future as they both love each other so much. I just want to know whether their relationship will be accepted by the church?
Thanks
Helena
Hi Helena and welcome to the Vicarage!
Your friend and her boyfriend will have challenges ahead. Christians offer a welcome to all, but we believe that Jesus is God and not merely a prophet, as Muslims believe. So your friend and her boyfriend disagree on the fundamentals of who God is, and the boyfriend’s job is to teach others about God.
This could be a difficult tension to have at the heart of a marriage, and in the context of raising children. Being a vicar is not a job, it is a vocation and often absorbs all thought, energy and passion. Without Christian belief herself, if your friend marries this chap she could find herself an outsider to all the things which most concern her husband.
The CofE marriage service states that marriage should be undertaken ‘reverently, responsibly and after serious thought’. I pray that these thoughts here will help you to help your friend as she thinks seriously about her future.
Thanks for replying.
Reblogged this on Ed Zirkle Photographer and commented:
After watching Grandchester on PBS and finding out what a ‘curate’ was came across this wonderful blog. Enjoy.
I am so encouraged to have found this blog. I am currently courting (or is one “courted by”, I wonder?) a would-be vicar. We have been courting for nearly a year and are seriously considering marriage. His examining chaplain has asked to meet me and I am just hoping I don’t damage his chances! I am definitely counting the cost of the prospect of becoming a vicar’s wife and so your list is a great reminder of some of the blessings! Thank you.
So pleased it’s an encouragement to you. We enjoy our Vicarage life together very much and I wanted to remind people that it’s not all smelly tramps and boring admin.