A lovely parishioner visited me yesterday and brought a bunch of flowers, knowing that I’d had a pretty stressful few days. Sometimes being the Vicar’s wife can feel lonely. You’re in a weird situation that not many people understand and people keep on calling at your front door asking the Vicar to mend their bikes (amongst other things last night). So when someone from our congregation thinks of me and lets me know they’ve been thinking of me, it really warms my heart. A little encouragement goes a long way and helps me to persevere.
And then a Vicar’s wife friend on Facebook asked for some help in drafting a talk on ‘Five Ways to Encourage a Minister’s Wife’ (she’s not just speaking to Anglicans). There were lots of great ideas there – and they’ve inspired me to write my five:
- Treat the Vicar’s wife as a real person, a normal member of the church family. Don’t give her too many messages for the Vicar as she’ll feel horribly guilty when she forgets.
- Be a pew buddy – sit with her on a Sunday morning – if she has kids give her a hand with them.
- Let her know if you’ve been thinking of her o
r praying for her (maybe in writing). - Make sure she regularly gets on the Minister’s Wives conference, or a retreat, or something spiritually refreshing, and try to ensure she gets enough time with her husband.
- Flowers, wine and chocolate, obviously, or even an invitation to Sunday lunch for the whole family.
Many of these things would encourage any church member, but I’ve tried to highlight some of the things I’ve found especially encouraging myself. What do you think?
The Vicar's Wife 
I would add to number 1 – find out about her and her interests. So often people seem to have a stereo typical view of the vicar’s wife.
No 2 – please – yes – sit with me!
and, very importantly – learn her name! (and keep telling her yours till it sticks).
Yes the local Church needs to love and encourage you but would it also be helpful if iocal Minister’s wives could meet for coffee or go for a cheap meal, as a means of encouragement and support to each other.
I’d add these…
Try not to compare her to her predecessor (positively or negatively)
Don’t assume that because she’s a vicar’s wife her relationship with the Lord is always brilliant. If you know her well enough, why not ask her how she’s going spiritually (but be prepared for a real answer and to share from your own experience)
Don’t keep telling her how blessed among women she is to be married to the vicar. This may well be true, but it can be grating after the first six months.
I like no.2 about giving her a hand with the kids – bring and shares at church with three small kids are a nightmare for me! Someone so kindly stood in the line with me last week and helped me with plates so I didn’t have to do quite such a big balancing act 🙂
I also love the one about making sure she goes to a minister’s wives retreat – I went my first one ever last year and it honestly did change my life and make it 200% better!!
Definitely 2 and 4!
Maybe also make sure if you do the rotas for things that she regularly gets to sit in a service and hear God’s word being preached rather than always running children’s groups etc
I think all these are good plus the ones Emma listed are important too
I think your five are spot on … I must find a way to make sure someone at church comes across this post ‘spontaneously’!!
I wish people would invite us round for sunday lunch! That would be the greatest encouragement as it is by far the hardest meal to get on the table with small child, husband absent physically/mentally, a long tiring morning and youth group to sort out for the evening. If someone would just cook me lunch it would make such a difference!!
Another point might be to not go on so much about how perfect the child/ren is/are – just because she mostly behaves like the sweetest thing on the planet at church doesn’t mean she’s always like that. And nobody tuts at her when she does make a noise, far too gracious, but they express surprise! Please treat our children like normal ones!!
mmm, this sounds like a moan…but i’d love it if someone could mow the lawn from time to time!
I’d add: arrange playdates for Sunday (and sometimes Saturday afternoons) when vicar/Pastor is busy as the wife has to entertain the children single-handedly and most other people are having family time so don’t plan playdates for the weekend.
I allso agree with the one about not assuming we’re superspiritual. I was honest once and admitted some struggles and got some shocked expressions which put me off confiding again! Question – any wives out there members of a house group? – how does that work out?
I think these 5 are great – and practical help to achieve the “time with husband” bit of number 4 is really good. We were in a lovely parish when our first two were born, where there were a number of willing babysitters – and one in particular would ask us to go out together so that she could babysit!
One of the most important things for me is how we have been welcomed by the church – it seems to me to be a good indicator of how healthy the church is. Our last parish we found a dirty house, where odd jobs hadn’t been finished, and mould was growing on the outside of the kitchen cupboards. Here the house had been cleaned, the garden was tidy and there was a lovely basket of fruit. And it’s been great ever since!
You don’t think that the parish before now got the date wrong and the mould was actually the fruit do you?
We have parishes down here where you can have freshly made cheese and butter if that floats yah boat. Others can offer strawberries from within the parish and where we worship (which is now vacant) it may well be possible to arrange a supply of M&S trifles and quiches for they are produced in the village. I won’t mention the micro-brewery whose product was sampled last night for I have no recollection of it!
I’ve been a member of a small group at both the churches my husband has been in since ordination. I’ve continued to be the same me as I was in other small groups in other places. i try to edit my comments about my husband more than I did when he was just one of the church members…But I am me, and was me before I was the curate’s wife or the vicar’s wife! Being older makes a slight difference I think – as we started curacy my youngest was in yr 10, as we started here the only one at home, still finishing education because of health issues.Older children is a different issue…may find it much harder to be relocated than younger ones. But are used to being themselves and maybe don’t feel tagged ‘clergy child’ in teh same way….
I get as concerned as others about many things, feel inadequate etc….so why not tell people in my small group my struggles and let them pray for me and support me, as I do for them? But then I am an extravert…that must make a difference.
I don’t mind taking messages for the vicar if I’m at home and he isn’t – but otherwise I generally suggest people speak to him directly. Every chance of me forgetting otherwise.
So agree with all the above, but my needs have to be talk to the vicars wife about her own life and the balancing act she performs single handed, working full time ( as the breadwinner), juggling the needs of children, ageing parents, supporting her husband in a stressful job and feeling single in church!
I’ve never been married or a vicar’s wife but have notice various things from the churches in which I have worshiped/worked (as a single evangelist). So often the vicar’s wife is expected to be an unpaid member of the church staff, huge expectations are put on her both practically and spiritually. Her husband works the most unhelpful hours as far as family life is concerned. You ladies are magnificent people. I take my hat off to you all!!
Incidently similar things can be said of all staff in churches when it comes to assumptions about your relationship with God, and being known for who you are. When I was in my last job as an evangelist I actually lost my belief in God altogether (and have subsequently regained it, and am writing a book about my experience) , and had to leave ministry – not that anyone in the church knew that. A lot of them do now I’ve left though!
I am a brand new curates wife, and I’m determined to keep in contact with people from theological college. I reckon only other ministers wives can truly know what your going through.
If you visit the Vicarage and spot an overflowing laundry basket waiting for ironing – make sure you don’t leave without it. With permission of course, and return it nearly folded as quickly as possible!
Thinks this vicars husband’s list might be a bit different. Must get him to write one
Welcome to the Vicarage gloriousthings. I can imagine that a Vicar’s husbands list would be quite different. Let us know what’s on his!
Oh yes, PLEASE sit with me I don’t bite. I invariably sit alone during the service although every one wants to chat after.