Obviously, you recognise my quotation from Psalm 121:
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
And of course, as a Christian, I look to the LORD when things are difficult and when I need help. But God uses other people to provide some of the human comfort and support I need in my Christian life and in our ministry. One of the ways that we can get that support is through formal support structures.
The other day I had a leaflet in the post about ‘Clergy Spice’, which is a programme of events run through the year by our diocese for clergy spouses. The admirable wives of our bishops and archdeacons and a few others run this and also produce a Clergy Families handbook.
But I must confess that I have never been to one of their events, but not because I don’t need support. The thing is that I already had some great support structures in place before we came to Lichfield Diocese.
Apart from my wonderful husband, who helps and encourages me daily, I am involved in three groups that enable me to share the joys and frustrations of Christian life in safety and support.
The oldest group dates back to before I even met the Vicar. I was in my early twenties and was invited by a few girlfriends to join them on a weekend away. That group met initially for some talks on the Christian life and to pray together. Twenty years later, nearly all of us are still meeting twice a year and continuing to pray for one another (we circulate a prayer letter three times a year). Not all of us are married or in paid Christian work (or married to people that are), but as the years have passed, this group has delighted us all more and more as we’ve seen the Lord’s work in us and through us.
The second support structure I tap into is the Proclamation Trust Minister’s Wives conference. I started attending these when the Vicar was still in training, and I find the refreshment of three nights away with some excellent bible teaching a great tonic. That’s the place where I catch up with folk from theological college days and make new friends who are in similar situations. Last year I was very encouraged to meet someone whose husband is in a small Black Country church like ours. Because we are in different dioceses we’d never come across each other, but the conference enabled us to share some of our experiences. I have other Vicar’s wife friends who go along to the New Wine Women in Leadership conferences, which are similarly encouraging (but possibly with a bit more singing!).
The third ministry support structure I’m involved in is an annual reunion of the group who left Oak Hill Theological College in the same year as us. I organise this and last year we held it here in our parish. Less travelling but more catering responsibility! The first couple of years after we left a pretty large group of us gathered but in subsequent years there have been fewer folk, but always at least 15 of us, including children. We meet, share something of what has been going on in our churches, eat, go for a walk and then pray and break bread together. Alongside the meet-up I nag everyone to send prayer and praise requests, so we also have an annual prayer letter which helps folk just to feel in touch as well as pray for one another. Writing this reminds me that I need to get an email out this week about the reunion and prayer letter – we’re meeting in less than a month!
I guess I also use social media (Twitter and Facebook) for support. Last week I mentioned on Facebook that I was thinking about whether to change our Sunday school resources and I had some wonderful help from friends who’ve been (or are now) in similar quirky churches with fluctuating Sunday schools.
So I feel I’m blessed to be pretty content with my support structures. I know that I have enough discreet people who know me well who I could turn to if things were sticky in parish or just if I felt fed up. But I know that others struggle in this area. I was interested by some comments on Twitter recently from folk (I think mainly ordinands’ wives) who felt a need for some better support.
Where do you find your support in ministry? I notice that there doesn’t seem to be a non-evangelical equivalent of the Proc Trust or New Wine. Are non-evangelicals less good at networking and supporting one another? Or is it a personality thing? Are there other conferences out there if your diocese isn’t running things or they aren’t convenient for you? Maybe I’ll see you at the Proc Trust conference in March. But book soon – they sold out last year!
The Vicar's Wife 
Thank you for the reminder of Ps 121, which is definitely the psalm I needed today. It was our ‘school psalm’ too, read at the beginning and end of every term, so for me the quiet hills are always the Malvern Hills.
Are you going to the PT conf in March? I am trying to get there but as we are still in the US it is difficult! We’ll see…
I’m all booked in Kate – hope you manage to make it!
Kate – let me know if you do make it. I’d love to try and arrange to meet you, and Hothorpe Hall is definitely within striking distance of Cambridge. Or I could pretend to be a vicar’s wife…
Where does my help come from?
My husband, hugely;
My colleague rooky Readers, in our parish in vacancy;
My new spiritual director who is wonderful;
and the more time I can stop doing things and let God help the better!
Thank you, I blogged on a similar subject earlier this year having discovered an American support website for wives of clergy and ministers. I really see an opening for this type of website to be set up in the UK. It’s not just encouragement by those that have been through similar experiences but the sort of practical tips – like catering for large numbers. As my better half trained part time there was no support for the other halves (no money I gather). There have been a few sessions organised by some wives in our area but these have run on Saturdays which, at the moment, is difficult for me. I reckon that the timing in your life of taking up the role of Clergy / minister’s wife makes a lot of difference. I have struggled and relied on a deep seated faith that I don’t think I realised I had!!! Friends have also taken a little while to get use to our different lifestyle which can make it a lonely place. But Blogging and Blogs like yours have made a real difference to adapting to our life changes – so Thank You!
Thanks for your comments all. I very much agree that the stage of life at which you train makes a massive difference Harriet. And also that part-time courses aren’t a great place for spouse support and training. Our experience of 3 years in full time training whilst I was at home with young kids meant that I had some wonderful opportunities to build a support network, discuss ministry at length with others in the same situation and even attend lectures with my husband. But it’s important that those who don’t have that sort of start are able to build supportive networks too. I do highly recommend conferences as good places to do that. The Vicar’s previous boss went on a conference together with his wife last year, which they found very helpful. I would guess that larger conventions like Spring Harvest & Keswick might also be good places to go as a couple or family for encouragement where you might meet others in similar situations. We’re off to Bible By the Beach as a family this year for a long weekend of bible teaching and encouragement.
My diocese are currently trying to set up a clergy spouse group. Its a good and safe place where we all feel able to talk but also pray for each other and discuss a book as well. We try as a family to get to new wine each year and thats also a great help. I do find that support in our area comes from non clergy which is interesting- its essential for me to have contact with people who know what its like to be in our very odd situations!
How do you find out about the different types of conferences if no one in your church goes to any thing that is more than five miles away? It can be a very lonely place at these things if you go as a couple hoping to meet others – everyone else seems to go in a church group or go to meet old colleagues. I hadn’t heard of Bible on the Beach before so have just googled it.
We now live within two miles of where New Wine takes place – and it is in the parish where we worship.
Harriet raises an interesting question. We only saw one couple from any of the New Wine Weeks at our Church. This is perhaps not a shock as there is worship on offer there. But, if you are new and want to come to us (Evercreech) at 09.30 on the Sunday you are there you may meet some one else who is also new to New Wine. But they will have to come as well and I don’t know how to make that happen. Perhaps this blog could prompt something. We have good preaching but out Vicar retires at the end of June so we will be exploring and experiencing all sorts when you join us!
I could talk to Mrs NS to see if we can offer a pre-New Wine coffee service to new attenders who read this blog. Seems possible to me and it will almost certainly be me doing the washing up afterwards. We are away for the back end of August bit New Wine morphs into Soul Survivor then.
Does this help?
Interesting parallel to independent free churches where it’s accepted that it’s now almost impossible to implement formal support for ministers wives given the widening range of personal circumstances. (Though counselling facilities are generally made available for those needing crisis support).
Agree personality and/or theology can influence whether any individual will avail themselves of external conferences etc,
but question how effective this would be longterm in a demanding situation.
Can understand why so few wives with careers/family/church commitments find time to write – or even read – supportive blogs etc, and probably find work related sources of support more directly helpful.
Certainly raises a lot of questions about changing ministry roles.
interesting musings re differences in traditions. I don;t think non evos are less good at support, but perhaps they’re less inclined to box people up and therefore feel less comfortable in a setting of all one tradition? perhaps? I inhabit a strange area somewhere between AffCath & New Wine! as I speak as some one very much from a charis- evo background who would no longer describe herself in those terms ( though I don’t totally reject them either) who is married to someone who definitely is an evangelical – I’m the (almost) clergy, which presents other interesting issues -My husband is very comfortable at New Wine and such events – they are not always totally comfortable with him as a clergy spouse.
What I’d love to see is an online resource that was clearly NOT tied to one tradition or churchmanship, but had space within it for individualized communication. Something like the Ship of Fools but for clergy & their other halves where there are sub forums for interest/gender/tradition/ yadda yadda, but where all can contribute in all areas if they so wish. Though that doesn;t solve the need for face to face support , it might help some grow…
We’re fortunate I think that in training in our 40s we have a base of friends & support that is not connected with church or work in a direct sense. Many of our long term friends are clergy, but that is more by accident ( of God!) than design. College peers are proving a rich source of support, largely because of the cross tradition experience we have here,
fascinating stuff.. thanks for raising it
This is interesting. My wife is incredibly supportive of me but I am very aware that she is not in the same ‘place’ as me and on a very different faith journey, one where she would feel uncomfortable in prayer meetings and ” support groups”. Particularly conference type gatherings in any shape or form.
We support each other mutually of course. She is a part of my ministry by supporting me. However she DOES NOT feel that my ministry is hers or that we work together. There is a clear dividing line here. The church must offer support but also understand that spouses are not necessarily in the same place, either in faith or tradition, which I don’t think they do.
Also, as a final comment. I am fascinated in reading your blog that this very much comes from a perspective of the spouse/partner being a woman. The church and community needs to move with the times; there are more and more women being ordained (praise God for that) and this must be recognised by ensuring that spouses, whatever gender are fully supported and catered for. My year group, for example is quite unusual in having a 50/50 gender split . In recent years and those following, the majority of ordinands are women.
Thanks everyone for the comments. Support for spouses is certainly an issue, and I write from my perspective as an Anglican Evangelical, so that means I mainly talk about clergy wives – I don’t really know any clergy husbands. I think most Evangelicals would see ministry as something a couple would do together, and therefore see support of spouses as essential, hence the alreday existing formal support events.
I get the impression that often folk of a more Catholic persuasion would not have the same approach, which obviously makes those spouses less likely to get support, even if they need it, as they do not really see themselves as having any sort of role, as Questioner mentions above. And of course, there is no compulsion for clergy spouses to even attend church, let alone serve in it. But I would guess that ministry is made more effective by a spouse who sees their role as ministry too.
I wonder if there is perhaps sometimes a more Catholic perspective which focuses on the sacraments and not on the coffee mornings, and therefore downplays the role that the non-ordained (and especially the spouse therefore) play in the life of God’s people. There is nothing to stop Affirming Catholicism from setting up a network, if they see it as important.
I’m also guessing that male spouses will appoach the role very differently. I can’t imagine a bloke at the conference I attend – it’s full of women chatting!
Although a couple of folk see it as a job for the CofE, I suspect that many Evangelicals would rather plug into the existing networks. So there seems more of a gap for the non-Evos to start something if they don’t want to plug into things that are already up and running. Why end up sending more money away from parishes into central funds to arrange events when a few well-organised spouses could book a few rooms in a hotel to get together? To be honest, I feel similarly about a website (as Harriet has suggested). The Twurch of England site has been started without any central funds.
Personally I’m not geeky enough to start anything that grand. Although I’m happy to take suggestions of topics for discussion on the blog from folk who think there are useful things to be explored in this strange life of being married to someone who’s paid to minister to God’s people.
gosh i never suggested any such website should be centrally funded! these things are often better from grass roots levels anyway. That said, diocesan level opportunities for networking and support should really go with out saying… part of pastoral responsibility!
as for Sacraments vs coffee mornings! sorry but I did have to laugh at that 😀 – you should see how many coffee morning type events there are at our MoR/Lib Cath village church!
I honestly don’t think there is that sort of divide and I don;t think the ” non ordained” are viewed any differently in more catholic parishes than the the ” non ordained/non official leaders” are in an evangelical one. I certainly don’t think their role is downplayed any more than elsewhere.
I think it’s largely, when it comes to spouses, a personality thing. I’ve worshiped & worked back & forth across pretty much the whole spectrum of the C of E in my time – I strongly believe that what is needed (however it manifests itself) is cross tradition support, not “well the evos have theirs if the catholics want something they can set it up” Surely this polarises traditions even further, and leads to more lack of understanding. This shouldn’t detract then from more tradition based events – I can see that they’re important too, but a network based round a website /forum would add to that.
One of the huge strengths of my training has been that I’m training with a range of colleagues from Charismatic Evangelical, through more trad Evos, right across to full on smells & bells AC. I think we’ve ALL learnt something about each other’s tradition, practice and faith, not just in a lecture sense, or even a one off visit way, but in living and learning and working alongside each other. I’d love that level of cross tradition support to be reflected in that available for spouses –
one last point.. some spouses are married to those who are *not paid* to minister to the people of God – don’t forget the NSM/SSMs!
I’m the daughter of an Anglo-Catholic priest, and am in a relationship with another Anglo-Catholic priest-in-training. Neither I nor my mother see our roles as any kind of joint ministry. Priests are ordained, not their partners. Of course, we do have a joint ministry as partners joined by the sacrament of marriage, but that’s true of all married couples, not just clergy ones. While my mother and I are both very happy to bake cakes, lead Sunday School, answer the phone, have people round for dinner, and much more, we don’t do this because we believe we’re part of a joint ministry, we do it because we’re joined in the sacrament of marriage, and because we have a vocation to be a Christian, not a vocation to be a clergy spouse.
What about Roman Catholic priests, or anyone who isn’t married? Is their ministry less ‘effective’ because they don’t have a spouse? Of course not; it’s just a different way in which God calls His people to serve.
I definitely think this issue is more helpfully considered in terms of differing personalities. I personally would never attend an event for clergy spouses because they’re not really my ‘thing’, but I’m glad that other people find them useful.
Lucy, that is such a helpful articulation of how and why spouses can be supportive and involved without the ” your vocation is my vocation” thing, thank you
” , we don’t do this because we believe we’re part of a joint ministry, we do it because we’re joined in the sacrament of marriage,”
this is also why so many of my clergy friends whose partners do not share their faith at all, still feel supported and upheld by them.
Lucy – that’s very helpful and articulates a little where my wife is.
The church must wake up and smell the coffee. It is a diverse place where spouses are male and female and need support but in many different shapes and forms and there are less and less that fulfil what many might see as the old fashioned stereotypical role.
How does the church support spouses who work/don’t work, don’t share or have any faith, who don’t want to be fully immersed in the working life of the church etc etc?
It’s very interesting to see views of those with a different theological perspective. Michael, who do you mean by ‘the church’? Who exactly is it that should do the things that you think are needed?
From my perspective I see plenty of support from ‘the church’ in the form of our college leavers group, the Proclamation Trust and the girls’ group I meet with. There are certainly wives who work outside the home in those groups and folk who do more or less in their churches, depending on personality, gifts and stage of life. But *we* are the church. It’s up to us to support ourselves, or create our own ways in which to do that. Two of the three places I find support are organised amongst a small group of friends.
I think that Lucy articulates a little of what I was trying to express about an Anglo-Catholic position – that someone who is ordained is different to the one who isn’t. As I don’t consider myself to be ontologically different to my husband but I *do* consider myself to be his helper, this shapes my understanding of ministry. Although in practice this might look pretty similar, I think it has a different theological undergirding.
Re: conferences – I wonder if more Anglo-Catholics are introverted as a proportion of the constituency than Evangelicals? Is that why Aff Cath don’t run an equivalent of the New Wine and Proc Trust clergy spouse conferences?
PS Michael/Questioner, you confused me by commenting under two different names on the same post!
I may well comment further later – I’m working late and in the office but will answer two of your questions!
1. When I refer to the church, you answer the question to a degree; of course, *we* are the church and have to provide some of the solutions. However, the broader organisation has also to recognise the need for support and provide it.
and
2. I don’t mean to confuse! Depending on the computer I send from depends on what I post under, although I’m trying to ensure some consistency!
I think that the difference in understanding of ordination between Anglo-Catholic Christians and Reformed/Evangelical Christians probably does encourage a difference of opinion as to the roles of their wives (or husbands).
To over-emphasise the difference, one view is ‘you are the priest, your job is to perform the sacrements’ and the other is ‘we are the priests, your job is to shepherd us’.
Given that the subject of this post was ‘Where does our help come from’ I think it’s reasonable to suggest that the difference in understanding of the priestly role can lead people to look in different places for their ‘help’.
That’s not to say that ones coffee mornings are better than another’s, but it is reasonable to suggest that the difference in theology can result in different expectations from peripheral church activities.
I would hope that clergy wives/husbands would feel that they have a part in the ministry, at least as much as the members of the parish would.
I know that might feel quite strongly worded, but I think it’s often better to talk in terms of ideals, and work back from there to the often messy realities of life.